Picture the scene, the men’s rights group are sat around the table, eating steak, the manliest food a man can eat. Jordan Peterson watches approvingly from a framed portrait on the mantlepiece. Adam says something in his shrew-faced manner. It’s about women, it always is.
Almost all the problems come down to women really. All of them know this. Mark knows he’s better than the rest of them, but even if he does have Marlon Brando eyes its the dead stare behind them that somehow puts women off.
He must figure out how to trick them. He has read all the pick up artists’ guides and has notebooks of his own from rationally and creepily observing social and sexual interactions between the males and females.
The word feminist is uttered. Adam did it by accident. It always triggers an allergic reaction in Braxton, he starts to change colour, the anger and fury are familiar to his womenfolk, all of whom have abandoned him long ago. It’s too much for his heart. He goes into cardiac arrest on the floor. Jim Shalt leaps to the rescue and starts to do chest compressions, he wants to get into heaven after all even if he was too judgemental for all the conventional churches.
He has a special relationship with God. He knows he is doing God’s work, others just wouldn’t understand it. Things have got dark in the men’s rights club recently. Mark feels a twinge of excitement as the life goes out of Braxton’s eyes, he’s not felt that in a while. Did watching too much bdsm and snuff porn deaden his emotions? He wonders if he’s a psychopath. Recently, killing is all that can get him really aroused.
Braxton sputters and a shred of roast beef shoots out and besmirches the JP portrait, Adam quickly runs to wipe it clean with a sponge. One must keep a tidy house. It’s one of the twelve rules. Respect JP. His benevolent fatherly gaze seems to suggest approval.
Mark knows he should be the leader of the men’s rights group. One day he’ll write an anti-feminist manifesto. Braxton is no longer a worthy leader, he demonstrates too much irrationality and emotion, its bringing down their credibility. So is Shalt with his ridiculous faith, its less rational than a woman on her period.
But the overthrow will have to wait. For now he is still useful. He does not want to be a beta male, the meritocracy is real, he knows it. Everyone who has power in the world deserves to be there. That is the natural order. Things are the way the are and that is right and just. The oppressed deserve to be there and the rich deserve to be there. Capitalism is good. You have to be ruthless to get to the top, dog eat dog. That’s why he got a scholarship. It doesn’t matter that his parents paid the other eighty percent of the fees. It still counts. His sister was an idiot, but he is a genius, but of course, with her female brain and inability to comprehend transitive logic what did you expect? It’s biology.
Braxton has a plan to make them wealthy, and its already underway. Once they have money they will have influence, they will be mighty alphas. All women want is the dollar, then they’ll be on their knees with their hand firmly tied behind their backs.
Braxton recovers his composure and staggers to the mantlepiece to bring a wooden box to show the group. A silence falls in the room as it is placed on the table. A strange musty smell emanates from it as he opens the lid. This is what he and Mark have been doing in secret.
It contains what look like shrivelled sun dried tomatoes. Shalt knows about this but not every part. These are the clitorises harvested from Braxton’s whores. It’s not mutilation. It’s modification. It will save these women and allow them to enter the kingdom of heaven, we are doing the Lord’s work, thinks Shalt, They will lose the incentive to have non-productive sinful congress. They will regain their morality. Yes, we are doing good.
If the rich deserve to be there, how does that explain how we are all such losers though? wonders Mark. It’s easy to see why Adam is pretty much a janitor with his shrew face. Still, life is SO much easier for women. I bet Artemis just flirted her way into that job.
Despite appearing the most asexual person you could picture, this is a trick of Adam’s too. Showing students to their room who come from authoritarian states is a good way to get out your natural urges and help them realise their potential as women. They didn’t say no. Does it matter that they had a poor grasp of English and probably thought he was someone important they mustn’t say no to or they would be ejected from the university and sent home?
Women should be naturally submissive, and they always want it really. They love being dominated. Even if they don’t know they want it, they want it. Most rapes are made up after the event when they regret it. Real rapes are so rare really they’re almost extinct. Then women use rape as a tool to attack men! When they wanted it! Straight white men have it the worst in the world now. Because of feminists.
But they’re fighting back. Witch doctors and millionaire perverts with special sexual interests will pay big money for these pointless organs. Is the female orgasm even real anyway? They’re doing them a favour, and with money comes power. Two birds, one stone. Put the women in their place and they’ll be wet for the power.
Braxton and Mark haven’t told the others about the snuff films, these were the real moneymakers. Those women loved to be dominated. They died happy. The smell of decomposing body parts in his bedroom had started to disconcert his housemates. Everyone wondered why he’d been asked to move for that reason despite not appearing a particularly unhygienic person.
Then Mark brought out his final most impressive creation. A necklace made of shrivelled penises. This was a custom request for a rich pervert on the Dark Web. He’d harvested them from men he’d fucked in toilets. Homosexuals are anomalies anyway and serve no biological function and therefore no purpose. But it’s not gay if you are only doing it cos you can’t get a woman.
Jim Shalt faints. He can’t take any more. The others know that with this million dollars they will be rich. Holt wakes up and mutters a prayer to the holy Father, the others nod in the most manly way they can at the portrait of JP. Adam has to try to do this several times til he gets it right. It’s not easy for him, but he tries. He doesn’t want to disappoint JP. Peterson looks back at them with his admirable rationality and for a second they think they see the fatherly love they all crave in his eyes.
